S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes I sit and stare, at what I used to be. I look at that young, able-bodied, energetic, flexible, and smiley guy and ask “where did you go?” When I look into the mirrors I am shocked to find someone I don’t feel I should be. Not in a mental sense, but in a physical body sense. I look and expect to see the young man I was, but instead see a man with tubes coming out of his stomach, radiation burns, and physical evidence of a giant tumor obstructing a once normal jawline. The strangest feeling. It is almost as if I am in another’s body. Out of body wouldn’t capture how I feel. More freaky Friday-ish. It’s a weird feeling. I ask where is that guy? Inside, I am that guy and outside, of course I am, but man do I struggle. On the inside, I feel just the same as him, but I am in a body that rapidly feels decay. My nerves have been damaged by chemo, my neck burned by radiation, the roof of my mouth raw and destroyed, and pain everywhere I didn’t imagine. Again the strangest feeling.

Sometimes I sit and stare, but at who Christ has made me now. I no longer am who I used to be. Bruised and damaged I am still His. When I stare, I see a man willing to be used to show Christ’s glory in any way possible. At a man who God is shaping into deep maturity. What an honor that is. Yes, I was once healthy in a physical sense, but I was constantly worried about my appearance. I was obsessed with images. I made an idol out of my appearance. Yes, I struggled with that. But God has taken that away. A healthy appearance can be a blessing or a curse. I found myself turning it into something God wouldn’t have wanted me to. Appearance can build a man a lot of pride he should not have. Now that that has been stripped from me, I feel God showing me that my appearance and identity are to be solely in Him. Not in how I look or feel about myself.

Sometimes, I sit and stare at the blessings God has given me. A beautiful wife who strives to glorify Christ in all that she does. A job that has helped Penelope and me in so many ways. A twin brother so selfless and gracious towards a brother like me. Parents who are so Christ-centered it’s hard to keep up (what amazing role models). A mother-in-law who is so willing to encourage and love a son-in-law like me. A father-in-law so generous and thoughtful, willing to give away his precious daughter to someone like me. Grandparents who never cease to amaze me with their kindness and love. My new siblings, who always put a joyous smile on my face every time I see them. A church community that makes it so hard not to believe they really aren’t family. A roof over my head. Every book a theology nerd like me could ask for. Doctors and nurses with the richest smiles and hearts around. A King who died for my filthy rancid sins. That is the greatest blessing of them all. That He has welcomed me into His family and I know what awaits me when He takes me home.

– Jacob Myron Schwander
August 12th, 2003 – June 16th, 2023